Changing My Communication in Parenthood:
One thing I’ve learned about being a parent is that our language and communication is very important. Our words do carry weight. We typically try to use words for our children that are easy to understand. Some concepts, some words are too big depending on their age. Language isn’t just used for communicating. It influences how we perceive and interpret reality. It influences and shapes our thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors. How we communicate with ourselves, friends, children, co-workers, and family, etc will unconsciously be interpreted. Something as simple as changing a certain phrasing can change how our words are being interpreted.
My vocabulary on safety has been completely altered after learning about what trauma my child has experienced. I have discovered how I have had to redefine words like “safe”, “secrets”, and “trust”.
For my daughter she is so young and she doesn’t understand the weight of what has happened. I have had to use her experiences to help her understand what safety means. For example, I’ve had to ask her how she feels at mommy’s house. I’ve had her try to find words to explain what it’s like to be at mommy’s house. She expresses warmness, safety, and love. Then I have her think about her dad’s house (She calls him by his name) and I tell her to think about how she feels when she is there. Then I explain why there is a difference in the simplest way. For example, I say “You said you feel warm, safe, happy, and loved at mommy’s house, right?” she nods. Then I say “That’s because mommy takes care of you, I make sure you brush your teeth, I take you to school, I read to you before bed, I play with you, I make you healthy food even if you don’t like it, I tuck you in at night, I do a lot of things that make you feel good because I love you and I want you to be happy and healthy.” Then I explain the reasons behind her negative emotions with her father. When she explains how she feels over there I say it is because of what he does or does not do with her. Then I explain that “Someone may try to take care of you the way I do, they may play with you, they may be very nice and give you things to make you think they are good. But if they do that then make you do something that makes you feel icky. Mommy has never touched your privates not even in the bath. That means nobody, not mommy or daddy or anyone should ever be touching your privates, ever. If someone is touching you in your privates or making you touch them or kiss them when it makes you feel sad, angry, or scared, then they are not good people they are pretending to be good. Remember mommy always asks you if you want a hug or a kiss and if you say no, I say okay. That is because I love you. If you say no to someone but they make you do it then that is not love and they are not good.
This is a very hard concept to explain to a 5-year-old. It is very important that you break down what the actual issues are. I have also had to explain that she may not want to brush her teeth, and she says no but I make her do it, but I explain that brushing your teeth is healthy. I have had to teach her the difference between things that are good for us and things that are bad for us. My language during these conversations is so important because I must break it down in a way that is digestible but also understandable at such a young age.